One Day, Corruption Itself Will Report Ugandans to Police

By Wilfred Arinda Nshekantebirwe

There will come a day, very soon, when Corruption will walk into Central Police Station and say: “Afande, please arrest these Ugandans. They are spoiling my name.” Because what we do in Uganda is no longer corruption. In his book “Slow Poison”, Professor Mahmood Mamdani argues that corruption in Uganda has become so deep-rooted that our current vocabulary can no longer fully capture its scale. I entirely agree with his assessment; the crisis has evolved past standard definitions. Because corruption has standards. Corruption has shame. Corruption steals quietly. What we do in Uganda is daylight robbery. We have embarrassed corruption itself.

Real corruption, international corruption, works like this: You steal 30%, you deliver 70%. The road is small, but at least it exists. You eat, but you leave crumbs so people don’t riot. Ugandan corruption has no such manners. And no one has rioted. Government releases Shs 1 billion for a road to the district, and a month later, Ugandans will accuse rain of washing away their Shs 1 billion worth road, even before spending the money. Or even, it goes through 17 offices in Kampala. By the time it reaches the district, it is Shs 600 million and a PowerPoint presentation.

We then use that Shs 600 million to buy murram, pour it, call a commissioning ceremony, bring the Minister, cut a ribbon, drink sodas, and the road disappears after one rain. Then we blame the rain. You have UGX 50 million for a toilet, but only 12 million is used, and the rest goes to procurement, advertisement, workshops, launching the project, monitoring it, then commissioning it. Twenty officers monitoring a toilet project, and their allowances and fuel of that day alone can build three other toilets.

Even Corruption would say: “This is too much. At least leave something for the cameras.”

We create countless anti-corruption agencies – IGG, CID, State House Unit, PPDA, Auditor General, PAC, COSASE, Balaam, Nameere, name them – all to fight one thief, then the thief makes one phone call. Just one. That famous phone call.

The CAO who stole the road money is arrested at 10am. At 10:15am, the phone call lands. At 10:16am, he is released to go and work while helping with investigations. The file is then given a first-class ticket to oblivion.

Then parade a nurse in Kasese for extorting Shs 500,000. We handcuff a teacher in Gulu for Shs 800,000. But the man/men who inflated a road from Shs 100 billion to Shs 1 trillion is walking free. This would have been treason. But instead he is on TV teaching us about patriotism. How about the man who inflated a hospital from Shs 200 billion to Shs 350 billion? He just got transferred to a ministry with bigger dams. Uganda gets a multi-billion loan for a project, then fearless, shameless Ugandans use all the money as their allowances. Project buried. And nothing happens to them.

Corruption itself will say: “I only punish small thieves. You Ugandans punish only the ones with no uncle. You have made me look tribal.”

In other countries, corruption is 10% of the system. In Uganda, the system is 10% of corruption. You want to buy a desk for a district? Bring 17 signatures. Each signature says, “facilitate me small.” So you must inflate the desk by 400% just to pay the people who were employed to stop you from inflating the desk.

We have made honesty economically impossible. The honest officer’s file sleeps in a drawer for 9 months. The corrupt officer’s file flies. Then we go on radio and say Ugandans are not hardworking.

We steal a borehole. Instead of drilling it, we spend three times its cost investigating it. Team one goes to the district – per diem, fuel. Team two goes to verify team one – per diem, fuel. Parliament summons everyone – sitting allowance. Workshop in Munyonyo to validate findings – allowance and sodas. Benchmarking trip to Pretoria to learn how to fight corruption – more allowance.

Fifty people have now built houses from investigating one borehole that was never drilled. No water. No money recovered. But everyone has a report.

Corruption will say: “Afande, these people are no longer stealing from government. They are stealing in the name of fighting me. I am tired of being their excuse for allowances.”

We borrow $200 million from the World Bank to build schools. Before the money lands, technocrats have already eaten it in Kampala workshops under “capacity building,” “safeguards training,” and “stakeholder engagement.” The loan arrives as a debt, but as a project, it is already a skeleton.

We tell a young graduate to be patriotic, yet he paid Shs 5 million to get the job, Shs 3 million to stay on payroll, his salary is 4 months late, government school no longer teaches so his children are in private school, government hospital has no Panadol so his mother is in a private clinic.

You are asking a man who is drowning to rescue a boat.

We don’t need another anti-corruption unit. We need to make honesty cheaper than theft. Right now, theft is cheap. Honesty will make you poor, transferred to Kaabong, and called a saboteur. Publish every contract for every Ugandan to see. One signature, not 17. Pay people on time. Jail the big fish, without that phone call, and the small fish will fear. Until then, keep playing.

One day, corruption will hold a press conference in Kololo and say: “I, Corruption, have resigned from Uganda. These people have no professionalism.” And we will all clap, and then eat the transport refund.

The writer is the LC 5 Male Workers’ Councillor for Rubanda District
wilfredarinda@gmail.com